It feels like forever since I have written on here, but believe me, it has been on my mind a lot. Why don't I ever get around to posting? Even though it is so important to me to keep a journal? I push it down on my to do list, and when it is at the bottom it never gets done. I never have Me time. If I ever do have time to myself, I put cleaning/ organizing at the top of it. And that usually takes all of the time. So bottom line... I put myself and my projects last, and they never get done. I don't really know how to fix this. I guess I need to prioritize my list better, but really, how can I do my fun projects when I have a baby who wants me to hold her, a 3 year old who wants me to read a book to him, an 8 year old who wants a hug, a 10 year old who wants to play a game with me, and a 13 year old who wants me to take her shopping, a house that all the above mentioned people have thrown their stuff everywhere, and a husband who just wants a break playing computer games.
The house is so far from organized, and me being the clean freak that I am, cannot handle it. So that comes first when I have any free time to spare.
So what can I do about this? Well, I know I need to put blogging higher up on my list of things to do. Just writing this is giving me a feeling of release of pressure. Feeling like some of the pent up feelings inside of me have an outlet to come out a little bit.
I was a little edgy this evening, and I still am (if you couldn't tell, but this is helping). A little earlier, I decided to make some brownies for a treat and to take to our new neighbors (moved into the Beards house). Thomas as usual is at work, and moves a lot faster than I do. I found that he had put a big scoop of sugar into the flour barrel, along with lots of random toys into the cupboard. Then when I was putting baby Eliza to sleep, I had told Ashlee to frost the brownies with some melted chocolate chips. I came back down, Ashlee had done it but told me Thomas had gotten into it. WHY hadn't anyone been watching what Thomas was doing? Thomas had tried to spread on some of the chocolate himself, and since it had hardened somewhat, where he had spread looked gloppy and messy and a chunk of it was missing. I have to admit... I was frustrated. I had spent a long time making those brownies, and they were meant to give to the neighbors, and now they looked messy and sloppy. I yelled at Thomas to go to bed. I hate it and always regret it when I yell. I knew I had done the wrong thing, when Gabe gave me a look. And then during scripture study, he came down again and I yelled at him again, then again when I could hear him making noise upstairs. Also, ironically, we were reading the part in the scriptures when Jesus is telling the little children to come to him and he blesses all of them. That made me feel even worse. Of course, that would be what we would be reading... of course, to teach me a lesson. So after we finished reading, I went up and apologized to Thomas, and let him come down to say prayers with us. I felt really bad for being mad at him. He is so innocent, and was just trying to be helpful.
I don't really know why I get like this sometimes. I guess I just need my alone time. I get so overwhelmed by everyone needing my attention all the time. And then trying to help others as well, serve in my calling, etc. I need a little more time for me.
Well, it felt pretty good writing this all out. Now I do feel a little better. Thanks for lending a listening ear, little blog of mine.
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